Wednesday, May 15, 2013


I know this is going to be a novel here but on Mother's Day, I kept thinking about how far I've come in the last (almost) 8 years as a mom. I'm just at the very beginning of this journey but still can't believe how much I've learned so far. When I was little, I dreamed of someday being a mom. I know I've written this before but it's true... that was what I would dream about. I didn't get pregnant with my sweet Summer until I was 28. So by the time I had her, I was really ready and really excited. And let me just say, it was waaaaaaay harder than I ever anticipated. It was extremely difficult to breastfeed. For weeks I wondered why in the world mothers talked about how "wonderful" it was to breastfeed their infants. I was losing my mind and in extreme pain. I screamed for 6 weeks, all day, each time Summer latched on. I am not exaggerating. Right up until having her I just finished my Masters degree and working full time. I went straight from all that craziness into being home all day, alone with a baby. When David would come home from work I would be crying and I would just hand her to him. All I can remember him saying was, "I thought you were going to like this". Time passed and it got much easier to breastfeed Summer and ended up being a very wonderful experience from 3 months on. Turned out that I had an infection that was left untreated after the delivery. But that's not the point here. It was what David said to me that one night that I have never forgotten - "I thought you were going to like this...". There are lots of parts of motherhood that just aren't fun. What is amazing though about this job is that even on my worst days when it's so hard and I don't "like" it, I still have a sense of the magnitude of what I am doing. I have been entrusted with these little kids. That responsibility weighs heavy on me but at the same time gives me purpose and meaning even beyond the most seemingly menial parts of my day. There is a sense of fulfillment in being a mom for me and in trying my very best to be a good mother to my kids.

I now have two little kids that call me mama and it is still so humbling. At this stage in their lives I am their "everything" quite literally. It's exhausting for sure, but oh so rewarding. This picture is one that Summer took using my iPhone recently of me holding Forrest one morning while getting ready for school. My Forrest was having a rough morning for whatever reason and I just picked him up and held him tight. I rocked him side to side the same way I've done ever since he was a baby. He calmed right down. I have done this with both my kids. It's these moments that are almost never captured that to me, define motherhood. I want so desperately for my children to know how deeply I love them. I want them to know that even though I'm not perfect, and even though I have lots of days that I fall short, I really am trying my very best. They're so little right now and I can't believe that a lot of what I do with them they will never remember.

I want them to remember how I hold their hand and squeeze it really tightly. I've told them that three squeezes means, "I love you". Now all I do is put my hand out and give them three squeezes and they say, "I love you too mama". It's so cute. I want Summer to remember that I love lying in her bed every single night before she goes to sleep and massaging her back. Actually, I don't like the massaging part but I do it because that's when she opens up the most to me about things in her life and her feelings. I want Forrest to know that I think it's so cute how he likes to show me how tall he is getting and that he can "get a glass from the cupboard without tippy toes" and that I love it when he crawls on to me like a little cat to watch his cartoons. I love how I brush the snarls out of Summer's hair she hugs me tight around my waist so that it won't hurt so bad. I hope they know how much I love how their faces light up every single day when they see me in the pick up line for school or walking into the school. I love that when they lay just 2 inches away from me, I always say, "you're too far away" and make them scoot closer. They always roll their eyes but do it anyway. I love that they think I'm an amazing cook even though I'm not. I want them to know when they help me cook and clean it takes 5 times as long and usually ends up worse than when we started, but I do it because I love to see how sweet their little proud faces are when we're done. I love the little notes Summer leaves me around the house and the pictures Forrest draws of me in school. I love that whenever they do something they think is great, they can't wait to show me and I always try my best to make it a big deal. I love sneaking into their beds at night to give them kisses while they sleep. I love all of these little things and I feel panicked as to how fast they are growing up. As a mother, I've come a long way from those days when Summer was an infant and I can honestly say that I do "like this" thing called motherhood. Actually, I love it and that's the truth. More than anything, I just hope that my kids know that their mom loves them. I am constantly telling them but I hope most, is that my actions are letting them FEEL how much those words that I whisper in their ears, are true. I really, really loved, love and will continue to love them... forever.